Courtesy of Not Necessarily the News

Last night just might have been the most bizarre incident in the history of rock concerts. U2 were tearing through a dynamic set in front of jubilant fans when some strange creatures—we can only call them aliens because they were from another planet—landed in a dark area near the stadium. They walked right onto the stage and asked the band if they might be interested in something "novel". Without waiting for an answer, the aliens grabbed the four band members and took them to their mysterious vehibcle, which no Earthling had ever seen. Thus, it was a UFO!

The band’s entourage jumped into their cars, determined to track down the kidnappers. "Now I’ve seen it all", complained a staffer. "Or so I thought. A UFO kidnapping? I never would have dreamed of this."

The stunned fans in the stadium yelled "Who are these jerks? They stole our show!"

An enterprising fan took the stage and grabbed a mike. "Can you believe this?" he asked. "They’ve kidnapped U2, for God’s sakes! I say this calls for a demonstration! Let’s march up the street and raise some hell! We need to attract some attention and let those aliens know what we think of them!"

The fans left the stadium and began to march up the street. They began to scream "We want U2! We want U2! Down with the aliens!"

Police cars arrived on the scene, blue lights flashing. A police officer stepped out of one of the cars. Using a PA mike, he addressed the crowd. "We’ll get those stupid aliens", he said. "We’ve called the Extraterrestrial Police and they’re on the case right now. Those aliens have broken the Alien Laws. They’re not supposed to transport Earthlings in their UFO’s without their permission. Those guys keep doing it. Just two weeks ago they raided a fashion show in Milan and kidnapped six models. They ran out of gas and had to let the models go—that was a hoot—but they got away with some fabric they ripped off from the designers. Wait, listen, we’re connected with Extraterrestrial now. They’ve got something to say to you".

"Good evening, U2 fans", saiad the Commander of the Venus UFO Force. "You know, those guys have some kind of nerve. They’re always doing something stupid. Uh, wait a minute, I have to turn down "Zooropa", which we’re listening to now. OK, they ripped off some sequined fabric. They decorated their UFO with it. They even put some on the door, which was really stupid. That’s iridescent sequin fabric and you can see the glitter from miles away. They actually think it will camoflage their UFO’s among the stars. They’re wrong. Don’t worry, we’ll get them".

"Hey, look at this!" yelled one fan, pointing towards a faint glittering object in the sky. "Look, it’s sequins on the damn door of their UFO! That’s no star! Hey, we’re getting the band back! Let’s make some noise!"

The other fans detected the glitter in the sky. "The guys are idiots", said another fan. It’s the UFO!"

Another UFO flew across the night sky. It was a Venusian UFO. Some Venusians stepped out of it, opened up parachutes, and landed on the kidnappers’ UFO.

"OK, folks, we’re going to have to barricade part of the street, to give the UFO a place to land. Go back to the stadium By the time you get back to your seats, U2 will be back on stage."

The fans, still stunned, turned and walked back to the stadium. They walked through the gates, and by the time they’d found their seats, Bono, Edge, Adam and Larry were back onstage. "That was weird", said Bono. "I knew strange things could happen on tours but I never knew I’d get an involuntary ride on a UFO. You should have seen the inside of that thing! It’s draped all over with iridescent sequin fabric!"

The band then tore into "Bullet the Blue Sky". The delighted crowd went wild with joy and relief. They had their heroes back, and the stupid aliens were headed towards their native Uranus on a Venusian UFO.

Patricia Hefner

October, 1999