A NEW COUNTRY
It was an overcast February afternoon when I crossed October Square on my way to the buildings of the Ministry of Culture. I was delivering a note that stated views about recent political developments in Wireland. The Government had just announced that it was going to start censoring the Wireland National Internet Service (WNIS) because of alleged "comments that do not promote the common good of the country". I was also carrying a petition that had been signed by Wirelings opposed to the new policies. Many of us were absolutely dumbfounded by the announcement. We agreed that the disputes that had bringing on UFO attacks had to be stopped, but this situation was better remedied, we felt, by a public discussion on how to work out our differences. After all, censorship would not make the differences go away. It would, in fact, stop any work at working out the needed compromises since we would not be allowed to discuss them on the Internet. As much of the communication we did with each other was by way of WNIS we felt that it was nothing short of disastrous for the Government to pursue this course of action.
I had seen UFO’s in the night skies the previous night and they looked like Saturnian and Uranian UFO’s because they lit up the skies like supernovas. I never made it across that square. Someone pulled a rope in my path and I tripped, causing me to tear three ligaments in my right ankle—a second-degree sprain. "Stop!" yelled a Saturnian. "You can’t go any further!"
"Help!" I screamed. "It’s a second-degree sprain! These things take six weeks to heal! Give me a splint or I’ll never get out of this square".
Before I knew it two Saturnians had grabbed me. "We’re sorry we hurt you", said one. "We had to stop you before you went any further. We found out about that petition you’re carrying. I’m afraid we’ll have to confiscate it. The government is listening to complaints about the new Internet policy. They’ve already heard too much bickering and they’re tired of it. This is the only way to restore peace to Wireland".
"Peace, my foot!" screamed a Wireling who walked up behind us. "This is repression, not peace! I’ve notified the Venusian Interplanetary News about this and they’re broadcasting it on the Solar System Interplanetary Network. Venus is going crazy over this. They don’t like this at all. They’re tired of always having to rescue us but they say we still need a peace treaty, not something like this. They’re drafting a statement on the situation. If this goes through they are going to recall their Wireland ambassador, close their embassy here and break relations with Wireland."
Two Wirelings picked me up and put me in a wheelchair. "So what are you doing here?" he asked a Saturnian.
"We got a phone call from the Government Communications Officer", answered the Saturnian. "They’ve actually authorized us to invade Wireland to help implement the Internet policy. If we don’t like a post on the Internet we don’t have to post it. They told us that this place has gotten unmanageable so they told us they needed our help. Did any of you guys know that your own Prime Minister is a Saturnian by birth and upbringing? He’s been hiding it all of these years but he decided to make it public now".
"No way!" I screamed. "How can this be? It’s illegal for him to even be here! We don’t allow Saturnians on Earth! He’s broken Interplanetary Law! Why don’t you just take the guy back with you and let us figure this stuff out for ourselves? You guys belong back on Saturn".
More Wirelings closed in on us in the Square. "What’s going on here?" asked one. "You’re not going to believe this. I was just at ZooStation Radio, and they had a "Closed" sign on the door. It was locked. I saw one of the DJ’s, and he was on his way to the Ministry of Culture to hand in his resignation from the radio station. They’re absolutely furious about the new Internet policy. The whole staff is resigning in protest. He thinks we should all go to Venus permanently. So do I. I’d rather work for Venusians than I would for Saturnians."
"What do you say we emigrate?" another Wireling asked the gathering crowd. "We need a new country. Can you really not walk?" he asked me.
"I can probably limp for a block, but I need a splint", I said. "That’s all. But I want to know something, dear Saturnians. How could the Government authorize you to land here? It’s against Interplanetary Law. I guess the Wireland police department went along with the deal".
"Yes, they did", said a Saturnian. "They knew they could get something out of it. They’ve got a brand new UFO! Besides which when we’re running the show we don’t have to follow Interplanetary Law." He pulled a key out of his bag. "This is the key to your Ministry of Culture Building. We’re currently at the bank, at the store, everything’s ours now. We don’t need the Interplanetary Police unless they want a war".
A Wireling with a huge Austrian crystal dangling on a chain around his neck entered the Square. "Wireland is dead as far as I’m concerned. We are, in effect, under Saturnian rule. The Prime Minister is Saturnian! I can’t believe it! I already hate this government! I’ve gotten permission for us to immigrate to Venus. I called the Interplanetary Police and they’ve given us permission to ride on Venusian UFO’s. The UFO’s will take us to an Earthling colony on Venus. We’ll have our own bank, our own radio station, and a whole bunch of other cool things. Let’s go! We’ll definitely be better off there."
Some sixty angry Wirelings got onto buses run by the new Saturnian Government. "We’re dropping you guys off at the Ministry of Culture Buildings", said a Saturnian who was running the Wireland emigration activities. "The Venusians will meet you there and take you to their UFO’s. You’ll be stuck on Venus, and we’ll be here".
"We don’t care", retorted a Wireling. "I’m not going to miss this place. The Venusians are cool. You guys are not".
The buses stopped in front of the Ministry of Culture buildings. Sure enough, there were twelve members of the Venus Unit of the Interplanetary Police Force. The Wirelings got off of the bus and followed the Venusians into a tunnel. At the end of the tunnel, we entered a big room on one of the Venusian UFO’s. The room contained a VCR with a huge screen, and pretty soon we were all watching the ZooStation video. There was even a medical unit on the UFO. The Venusian doctors X-rayed my ankle, gave me a splint, and told me to stay off of the foot.
The UFO landed on one of the Venusian UFO Security Landing Pads about an hour later. We left the UFO through a tunnel and walked out onto Venus. "Oh, you’re going to love your new neighborhood", said one of the Venusian Police Officers. "We’re glad you’re here. You can get your CD’s, your DVD’s, VCR’s, you name it, at a store right in the middle of your new neighborhood that we’ve set aside for you. We transferred some of our staff from Venus Entertainment Enterprises there and they’re ready to go. We’re setting up a Wireling Immigration Office. The phone has been ringing off of the hook for Wirelings who want to leave there and come here. Do you have a name that you’d like for your new neighborhood"?
"How about Popland?" asked one of the immigrants. We all thought it was pretty cool, so we agreed.
Our new neighborhood on Venus is very nice, but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Wireland and its sad fate. But I can’t let myself get too bummed out over it. I’m having too much fun.
Patricia M. Hefner, 29 March 2000
This was my first UFO story for ReWired.