SHOCKER FROM URANUS

It is being reported on the Interplanetary News Network these days that Wireland is much more vulnerable to UFO attacks than was previously the case. This is because many of the country’s most creative citizens emigrated to Venus on UFO’s and now live in a community called Popland. This emigration took place due to widespread antipathy for the new Saturnian Government and its policies. The most frequent complaint among Wirelings is the tight censorship the Ministry of Culture is imposing on the Wireling Internet Forum. "I’ve had six notes returned by the Ministry of Communications this past week", complained one Wireling in an exclusive interview with Not Necessarily the News. "They keep talking about rules, rules, rules, but they haven’t given us any! They’re being very vague about what they want. Good grief, they rejected a note I wrote about PopMart! I can tell you, we’re getting tired of this. These stupid Saturnians could end up with no one to rule. We’re planning a protest against the Internet shenanigans, but I can’t tell the press anything about it right now. I’m sure you understand."

The irate Wireling put down his phone after his interview with Not Necessarily the News. "OK, folks, I called you about this protest meeting. This is what we’re doing. You know what the Ministry of Culture has done to our radio station. They’ve banned the U2 Only Station. They shut down the Unforgettable Fire Exhibition. You know the rest. Well, to heck with attacks on the Ministry of Culture. They haven’t accomplished much, I’m afraid. We need to attack the Ministry of Defense and the Prime Minister’s offices. If we do enough protesting they’ll start to feel vulnerable. Right now they’re so drunk on their power that they have no sense of vulnerability".

"I talked to a member of the Jupiter UFO Squad last night", said another Wireling. "Neptune is interested in another attack. Jupiter’s always game. But you know what? Uranus has gotten very angry with Saturn! Saturn’s gone out to try to conquer the Solar System and Uranus thinks it’s gotten ripped off considering how much they helped Saturn. They were the first planet in the whole Solar System to have UFO’s. They helped Saturn build their UFO’s. What have they gotten since? Nothing. Oh, wait a minute, turn up the radio. I just heard the word ‘treaty’ on it. What’s this?"

Someone turned up the broadcast of the evening news on Interplanetary Network News. "Uranus and Jupiter have made history today", said the radio reporter. "The two formerly hostile Planets have signed a peace treaty. Uranus has recalled its ambassador from Saturn and closed its embassy. We’ll have more news on this historic occasion as the news becomes available".

"Holy smokes", said a Wireling at the protest meeting. "Saturn is getting really isolated. They’ve just lost their most valuable ally. The idiots! They’re so arrogant they thought they didn’t need anything to hold off those UFO de-activators that were invented on Venus. Venus was the third planet in the Solar System to have UFO’s, but they were much more clever than the Saturnians ever were. They have very strong defense technology. The Saturnians basically don’t have defense technology, and let me tell you, it’s costing them dearly. They think that intimidation is a great dictator. Well, it’s a crummy dictator".

The Saturnians at the Wireland Government buildings were shocked. "I can’t believe it", said one. "What’s wrong? We’re the ones who’ve put forth the most effort into trying to take over the Solar System. Uranus hasn’t done a damn thing. What do they want? This is ridiculous."

"They gave you guys your UFO’s!" yelled a Wireling staffer who walked into the office. "Look, you guys wouldn’t have accomplished a thing without those. Plus, they’ve been in three joint raids with you guys on Wireland when we had our own government. Don’t tell me you don’t remember that. Those things didn’t work because you guys were so jealous about your turf. You wouldn’t let them help because you didn’t want to share any of the spoils. Yes, I remember those raids. It looks like you don’t".

"This is so unfortunate", sighed an official. "These people don’t want to protect their own country any more."

"Not if it means supporting you guys", retorted the Wireling. "I’d rather emigrate myself". She stomped out of the room. "Good grief, this makes me mad!" she said. "Emigrate, indeed! I like that word!" she said to no one but herself. "Suppose I could twist enough arms at the bank to close down the place? A store or two? That would scare them as much as those Venusian UFO de-activators". She left the building on her way home. She was crossing October Square when a fellow Wireling ran up to her. "Hi, old friend, haven’t seen you in awhile," she said. "What happened at the protest meeting?"

"Well, of course we heard the news about the Uranus-Jupiter cooperation treaty", he said. "This is what we’ve decided to do. We’ve gotten in touch with the Commander of the Uranus UFO Force. They are going to come here with the Jupiter UFO’s and walk right into the government buildings. They’re going to tell them that they are taking more emigrants to Popland because this repression is getting to be too damn much. We’re against dictatorships."

"Have you talked to the bank employees?" asked the government employee. "I’m going to call the president tonight. He’s the Wireling they couldn’t get to resign, remember? Well, he’s resigning tomorrow morning. The Popland Bank wants him to be their president and he accepted the position. I expect the whole staff to follow him. They’ve already transferred the Wirelings’ funds to the Popland Bank. All of the safety deposit boxes went to Venus on one of their UFO’s. Now there’s almost nothing in that bank!"

"Good grief", said the other Wireling, "things are moving pretty fast here. Wait until they find out their whole bank staff is leaving! They took over nothing! The idiots—they still have no idea the bank employees are leaving! They opened a real Pandora’s box, huh? They can lose employees from anywhere. What if the garbage collectors emigrated? They’d have a heck of a garbage problem here. They already have a terrible garbage situation with the radio station. OK, I have to talk to the UFO commanders. I think they’re ready. After the raid, they’re taking us to Popland."

Just then members of the Jupiter and Uranus UFO Forces walked into October Square. "Let’s go to the Central Government Offices and freak out a few of these dunderheads", said one. "They’re not going to believe that we have the nerve to go into their offices, but we’re going to do it."

Upon arriving at the Government offices, a Saturnian guard told them that they couldn’t get in. "We’re getting in, ", said a Uranian. "Remember when you guys gave us those Interplanetary Keys that will open any lock in the Solar System? Well, we’ve got them. Let us in or we’ll unlock the gate."

The guard opened the gate and the aliens and their Wireling associates went into the building. Upon locating the offices of the Prime Minister’s staff, they headed towards them. They entered without any resistance. "Hey, you guys, we’re taking the whole staff of your bank to Popland. They can’t stand living here any more. You ripped off their radio stations, and have screwed up their Internet Forum big time. Nobody can post on that thing now. Don’t you know that repression just doesn’t work?" asked a Uranian.

"When did you start believing in this democracy nonsense?" demanded a Saturnian. "Don’t you know that people are idiots who need to be controlled?"

"Hey, I’m from Uranus, not Saturn", said the Uranian. "We had elections last month. It’s true that we had a dictatorship for six years. That was a nightmare. We didn’t like it, and the Government resigned and let us have the elections. The ruling party lost big time. We have 200 seats and they only won four. That should tell you something. You guys are so cynical it’s sickening. How do you like losing all of your bank employees?"

"Oh, we’re not worried about that", said the Saturnian official. "They want to keep their jobs, right?"

"Wrong", said one of the Wirelings. "The president is announcing his resignation tomorrow morning. Everything got transferred to Popland by way of UFO’s from Venus and Jupiter. That includes the safety deposit boxes. That president is the new president of the Popland Bank. The Wirelings all have jobs lined up at that bank. They needed more employees to handle all of that new money. A bunch of us are going with him, including everyone from the bank."

"Oh, no!" screamed the official. "I’ve got to call the Finance Ministry, quick! I’m afraid Saturn is going to have to cut its UFO Force Budget to bail us out. We’re looking at a big time reduction of our tax base. Dammit! This is a mess!"

"It’s of your own making", retorted the Wireling. "If you dictators insist on running the country like this, pretty soon you’re not going to have that much to run. Wirelings don’t take to dictators, we just don’t".

Once again, the Wirelings and their friends had proved to the Saturnians that dictatorship doesn’t pay.