JOINT URANUS-SATURN UFO ADVENTURE
Not Necessarily the News has learned that the UFO Forced of both Saturn and Uranus are ready for an unprecedented attack on Wireland. News of another dispute between leading Wirelings was reported on the news services of both planets. These two planets have a history of discord with each other but there have been reports that the two Planetary Governments have signed a treaty agreeing to share the booty of a successful invasion of Wireland. The vague nature of the reports indicate that these parties are trying their best to keep the news of the treaty out of the Interplanetary Press in hopes of avoiding a confrontation with the deadly Venusians. Oh, no sooner do we write this introduction when we see this…..read on.
In the square of the October section of Wireland, angry Wirelings exchanged sharp words in a heated exchange of verbal warfare. "The Wireland Exchange said that we going to get a party at the ZooStation Bar and Grill the night of the fireworks in April. Now it’s off. This is not cool!"
"Do you believe everything you read in the Wireland Exchange?" retorted another Wireling. "I’m sorry, kiddo, but you’re too gullible. If everything they printed in that paper was true I would have been able to sell my business last year and move to the beach. Unfortunately, that story was rubbish".
"OK, not everything in that publication is true," admitted the other Wireling. "But good grief, give us our party."
"Excuse me, our party? Since when did the Ministry of Culture say that they’d sanctioned the damn thing? Didn’t that report claim that they were putting it on? We’ve been promised one in September. Do we absolutely have to have one in April? Why can’t we have our own party? The big shots are unpredictable because they have so many responsibilities. Can’t we depend on ourselves for a change?"
Just then some strange creatures approached October Square. They were wearing steel helmets, chain mail shirts over leather shirts, heavy pants, and metallic objects on their wrists, elbows, and thighs. "OK, you stupid Wirelings, we’ve got you. You guys were totally unprepared for this. Even your police forces were having such a dispute over the party that they were more interested in attacking each other than they were we. They’re already headed for the Saturnian Prison UFO, which will be here in five minutes. I’m from Uranus. As soon as the Saturnians show up with their reinforcements, we’re taking over the Ministry of Culture and then we’re going to rob every business and bank here. You guys would be better off on Venus, anyway".
"No way!" shouted an irate Wireling. "We’re not even allowed to go to Venus. They’re our friends but we’ve been a strain on their resources that they just passed a law forbidding Earthling residence on Venus. We’d have Venus f#%cked up fast."
The strange-looking parties entering October Square were dressed as medieval European fighters. While menacing to behold, the heavy armor that these UFO crew members were wearing severely handicapped their mobility. This didn’t keep them from completely surrounding October Square. "We’re taking you to Saturn", said one of the UFO crewmen. "I’m from Saturn. That’s right, we’re back, and we’re taking you all back to Saturn where you’ll just be totally isolated. "The Venusians don’t have the power to take Saturn, and that’s what they’d have to do if we got you. Well, what’s done is done. Come on, follow me. We have the Wireling UFO up the street here in the Ministry of Culture’s parking lot".
The aliens put masks on each Wireling’s face so that they couldn’t detect the location of the UFO landing site. "We’ve never used this particular site, so you’ll never know where this place is. Even if you get hold of the Venusians, you can’t tell them a damn thing. The other thing is that we’ve scrambled communications between Wireland and Venus. So it’s doomsday for Wireland. I imagine that the Chart Topperslanders will take over your territory".
The Wirelings were loaded into the Saturnian Earthling Prison UFO. Then they had their masks taken off, and they recognized each other. "We’ve done it now," said one Wireling grimly. "We’ll never get the hell off of Saturn. And here we go, it’s lift-off. We’re going to be under house arrest on Saturn. Now we’re a bunch of hostages".
"It’s the stupid government’s fault" complained one Wireling. "They never got the reports of the party clarified. I saw two conflicting stories about the party. The Post-Herald said that the reports of a party were premature. The Exchange assumed the reports were true. The damn government should have made an announcement, and they didn’t."
Just then the Wirelings heard a massive commotion break out in the control room next to the Prisoner Cabin. Crash! Boom! "Ouch!, screamed a Saturnian. It was clear that a nasty fight had broken out. Sounds of armor crashing to the floor rang out. "What the hell is going on now?" asked one Wireling.
The door opened and a member of the Interplanetary Police Force from Jupiter walked in. "We’ve arrested the whole Saturnian and Uranian UFO Forces", said the police officer. "It’s illegal to transport Earthlings in Interplanetary UFO’s. We’ve put the Saturnian and Uranian crews on our UFO’s, and we’re taking them to the Interplanetary Jail on Jupiter. The idiots, they completely forgot about us. They were obsessed with fear of the Venusians and thought they had the strength to get away with breaking Interplanetary Law. Well, no one does, because we have the same UFO d e-activators that the Venusian UFO Force does. Either they follow our orders or we de-activate their UFO fleet. We’ve been cleared to use our UFO’s to take you guys back to Wireland."
The UFO landed on Jupiter. The Wirelings left the Prison Cabin and walked through a tunnel to get to the Jupiter Police UFO. The Saturnians and Uranians were nowhere to be seen. Upon landing on Earth, the Commander of the Jupiter Interplanetary Police Force walked into the Prison Cabin. "We’ve got all of those jerks in our Interplanetary Prison now. They tried to run but those stupid costumes they were wearing slowed them down. Egads, those things weigh thirty pounds! Grabbing them was easy. Now, can’t you do something to unify against hostile invaders? We do. We’re right next to Saturn, and we’ve never been invaded by them".
The UFO landed two blocks from October Square. The relieved Wirelings left the UFO, which promptly left when the last Wireling had left. Several of them produced petitions petitioning the government to clarify the reports and start serious work on a peace treaty. "That was the closest we’ve ever come to becoming hostages", one of the Wirelings told Not Necessarily the News. "In fact, we were hostages. We really don’t think it’s important when the party is held. The important thing is that it will take place. Now, there has been no talk whatsoever of canceling the September party, which is the important one. It’s just that some comments about a party in April got a bit out of hand and some people took them as Gospel truth. They are not. Relax, folks, everything will work out just fine."
"If we can just get this treaty implemented", said another Wireling, taking and signing the petition.
We at Not Necessarily the News sincerely hope that this is the last time we have to report on Alien UFO terrorist attacks due to squabbling in Wireland. Everything will work out just fine, indeed.
Folks, I know from personal experience that John is right about age changing the rhythm of your life. Everything changes. You’re concerned about your kids’ grades in school, your next job evaluation, your next whatever……and you don’t have the energy you did fifteen years ago. Your body is telling you to slow down, and you’ve no choice. You can’t buy back your youth. Enjoy it while you can because it’s transient.