It was a chilly April night in Wireland. The Saturnian officials at the Ministry of Culture were quickly getting intoxicated with their favorite brews. They were celebrating their second month in power in Wireland. “They didn’t think we could take this place over”, exulted one Saturnian. They always counted on the Venusians. Now they’re in exile on Venus! Ah, we could rule the Solar System in we felt like it.”
“That’s an idea”, said one staffer. “How about
“Ah, let’s go for it!” said the intoxicated Minister of Culture. “That’d make those stupid Neptunians regret the day they signed the friendship accord with Venus and Popland. I’ll get an attack cleared by our UFO commander right away”.
The Minister picked up his Interplanetary Cellular and got
the Saturnian UFO Force Commander. “Listen, we need to teach
“Great idea”, agreed the Commander. “We’ll get six of our UFO’s ready, and then we’re ready to scare the pants off of the Neptunians. You get your six ready and we’ll meet at Saturn UFO Landing Pad Six”.
The party continued at the Ministry of Culture. “I didn’t
know Saturnians got drunk”, muttered a Wireling staffer who walked into the
room where the party was going to be held. “Excuse me, wouldn’t you like for me
to clean up your desks? Let’s see what you’ve got here. You’ve got six bottles
of vodka, three of gin, several six-packs of beer….oh, and this”. He looked
down into the top drawer of the Minister’s desk, and noticed that the Minister,
in his drunken stupor, had forgotten to turn off his Interplanetary Cellular.
“Egads, they are indeed drunk”, he muttered under his breath. “I can’t believe
he left his Cellular on! OK, you guys, so you’re invading
After swearing the Wireling to secrecy, the careless
Saturnians gave him the details of the
The Saturnian UFO’s, gleaming with silvery metallic paint,
flew in the night skies towards
The twelve Saturnian UFO’s landed on
The Saturnian officials back at the Ministry of Culture in
Wireland cheered when it was announced on the Interplanetary News Network that
the Saturnian attack on
The reaction on Venus was quite different. The citizens of
Popland were horrified by the news. “Oh, no, not
“How about all of that priceless U2 stuff they’ve thrown into oblivion? Oh, this is obscene! We’re not going to let them do this!” screamed another Popmartian. “Let me call up our UFO Commander. Let’s show them that we’re ready to be a pain in the neck if that’s what it takes. Commander, what’s the scoop”?
“Listen”, said the Commander. “The Saturnians don’t know this, but the Jupiterians found out about the attack plan before it started. A drunk Saturnian at the party at the Ministry of Culture left his Interplanetary Cellular on after he talked to his buddies on Saturn, and Jupiter picked up the whole plot. They heard everything that was said at that party! They’re very clever. Once they heard that stuff, they started to get their act together, quick. They don’t waste their time, especially when it comes to helping their friends. They’ve got their UFO de-activators ready to go. Once those Saturnian UFO’s land they’re in all kinds of trouble”.
The Official UFO of the Interplanetary Chamber of Political
Disputes landed on Saturn and confronted the officials at the UFO Landing Pad.
“Look, you guys are in trouble”, said the ICPD official. “The Jupiterians found
out about your plan to invade
“Oh, no!” screamed a Saturnian official. “I can’t believe it. I have to agree with you there, that was stupid”. He shook his head. “They got drunk during planning? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. A few heads are going to land on the chopping block”.
The Jupiterian UFO’s landed on Saturn. The Commander of the Jupiter UFO Force took his Interplanetary Cellular out of the box and called the Commander of the Neptunian Unit. “We’re here with our wonderful UFO de-activators. We’ve notified Saturn about this. If they don’t get the hell off of your Planet their UFO’s are toast”.
Shortly after this the news was reported on the Venus News Network. The news left the Popmartians squealing with laughter. “Oh, I can’t believe it!” said one. “Can you believe that? They planned—uh, tried to plan—a UFO attack at a party! They put away six bottles of vodka! I’m calling my cousin and telling him to go tell those stupid Saturnians they’ve blown it again”.
The Popmartian relayed the news to his cousin, who relayed
several other Wirelings. They contacted the Jupiterian UFO Force and got the
news that the Jupiterians were off against the Saturnians with their lethal UFO
de-activators. Shortly after ,
a defiant Wireling walked into the main offices of the Ministry of Culture and
confronted the drunken Saturnians. “Listen, you idiots. Who’s the guy with the
Interplanetary Cellular turned on? Did you know that every bit of your
conversation got relayed to Jupiter? Now they know that you Saturnians are even
more stupid when you’re drunk. The Jupiterian UFO’s have your UFO’s cornered.
They’ll de-activate if you don’t get the hell off of
“Oh, no!” screamed the Minister of Culture. “The idiot, OK, who was using my Interplanetary?” He opened the top drawer of the desk in the Communications Department, where the party was being held. In the drawer was his Interplanetary Cellular, which he’d forgotten to turn off after he’d contacted the Saturnian UFO Force. “Uh……can you say screw-up”? he asked. Just then the phone rang. It was the Prime Minister demanding his immediate resignation.
The Neptunians had been imprisoned in two of the Saturnian UFO’s. The PA system on the UFO’s carried a welcome message. “Hey, you guys are free! We’re your friends from Jupiter, and we’ve got the Saturnian UFO’s cornered. We’ll be transferring you to one of our UFO’s and we’ll take you home tonight. We found out about the plot against you when the stupid Saturnians got drunk and left their Interplanetary Cellular on in the Wireland Ministry of Culture. We’ve notified Saturn that we are going to take you home, and they’ve given us all of your U2 stuff, which will be delivered to your Planetary Offices tomorrow”.
What had started as a celebration for the Saturnians had turned out to be the UFO Nightmare Counter-Attack. Once again, they’d proven that stupidity and brute force just don’t pay.