SATURN’S NEPTUNE FOLLY
It was a chilly April night in Wireland. The Saturnian officials at the Ministry of Culture were quickly getting intoxicated with their favorite brews. They were celebrating their second month in power in Wireland. "Ha, ha, ha", exulted one Saturnian. "They didn’t think we could take this place over. They always counted on the Venusians. Now they’re in exile on Venus! Ah, we could rule the Solar System if we felt like it".
"That’s an idea", said one staffer. "How about Neptune? They’re just a bunch of klutzes who depend on Venus, just like the Wirelings did. You know, we could grab that place quick, and we’d own a good chunk of the Solar System".
"Ah, go right ahead!" said the intoxicated Minister of Culture. "That’d make those stupid Neptunians regret the day they signed the friendship accord with Venus and Popland. I’ll get an attack cleared by our UFO Commander right away."
The Minister picked up his Interplanetary Cellular and got the Saturnian UFO Force Commander. "Listen, we need to teach Neptune a lesson. You know they’ve signed that friendship treaty with Venus and Popland. We’ve got to make that dangerous. Especially since they’re so inexperienced with UFO’s. They didn’t put theirs out until New Years’ Day".
"Great idea", agreed the Commander. "We’ll get six of our UFO’s ready, and then we’re ready to scare the pants off of the Neptunians. You get your six ready and we’ll meet at Saturn UFO Landing Pad Station Six".
The party continued at the Ministry of Culture. "I didn’t know Saturnians got drunk", muttered a Wireling staffer who walked into the room where the party was being held. "Excuse me, wouldn’t you like for me to clean up your desks? Let’s see what you’ve got here. You’ve got six bottles of vodka, three of gin, a few six-packs of beer…oh, and this". He looked down into the top drawer of the Minister’s top drawer and noticed that the Minister, in his drunken stupor, had forgotten to turn off his Interplanetary Cellular. "Egads, they are indeed drunk", he muttered under his breath. "I can’t believe he left his Cellular on! OK, you guys, so you’re invading Neptune now?" he asked, knowing every word uttered within earshot of the powerful telephone would be picked up on every Interplanetary Cellular in the Solar System. "You’ve called your Commander and…."
After swearing the Wireling to secrecy, the careless Saturnians gave him the details of the Neptune invasion plans.
The Saturnian UFO’s, gleaming with silvery metallic paint, flew in the night skies towards Neptune. They coasted through the rings. "There", said a Saturnian, "that’s their UFO Landing Site. Let’s just barge in here and see how much we can grab. We’ll take this stuff back to Wireland with us, and those silly Popmartians will turn green with envy! Ah, we’ll have every U2 fan on Neptune in exile on Saturn, where CD’s are illegal! We’ll grab their stuff and pitch it right into oblivion, which will be easy with no gravity out there! We’ll show them who’s in charge in the Solar System now!"
The twelve Saturnian UFO’s landed on Neptune. The terrified Neptunians ran through their streets, but soon got overtaken by Saturnians driving their custom-made captivity cars. Within an hour, every patron of the Lemon Club of Neptune was in a Saturnian UFO. Their fate seemed doomed.
The Saturnian officials back at the Ministry of Culture in Wireland cheered when it was announced on the Interplanetary News Network that the Saturnian attack on Neptune had been successful. "Now we’ve got them! We’ve got them! There’s no way out for them. Venus can’t help them, Popland can’t help them, no one can! Ah, we’ve made the Solar System safe for mediocrity and stupidity!"
The reaction on Venus was quite different. The citizens of Popland were horrified by the news. "Oh, no, not Neptune!" screamed a Popmartian. "Two of my best friends are Neptunian! Folks, we’ve got to stop this invasion!"
"How about all that priceless U2 stuff they’ve thrown into oblivion? Oh, this is obscene! We’re not going to let them do this!" screamed another Popmartian. "Let me call up our UFO Commander. Let’s show them that we’re ready to be a pain in the neck if that’s what it takes. Commander, what’s the scoop?"
"Listen", said the Commander. "The Saturnians don’t know this, but the Jupiterians found out about the attack plan before it started. A drunk Saturnian at the party at the Ministry of Culture left his Interplanetary Cellular on after he talked to his buddies on Saturn, and Jupiter picked up the whole plot. They heard everything that was said at that party! They’re very clever. Once they heard that stuff, they started to get their act together, quick. They don’t waste their time, especially when it comes to helping their friends. They’ve got their de-activators ready to go. Once those Saturnian UFO’s land they’re in all kinds of trouble."
The Official UFO of the Interplanetary Chamber of Political Disputes landed on Saturn and confronted the officials at the UFO Landing Pad. "Look, you guys are in trouble", he told them. "The Jupiterians found out about your plan to invade Neptune. Some idiot at the Ministry of Culture in Wireland left his Interplanetary Cellular on and told a Wireling about it. There are reports that those guys were having a party and got stinking drunk during planning. I can’t believe how stupid you guys can be. You’d better call your UFO’s back, quick. The Jupiter Unit is after them with their de-activators."
"Oh, no!" screamed a staffer. "I can’t believe it. I have to agree with you there, that was stupid". He shook his head. "They got drunk during planning? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of it. A few heads are going to land on the chopping block."
The Jupiterian UFO’s landed on Saturn. The Commander of the Jupiter UFO Force took his Interplanetary Cellular out of his box and called the Commander of the Neptunian Unit. "We’re here with those wonderful little de-activators. We’ve notified Saturn about this. If you don’t get the hell off of Neptune your UFO’s will get nuked."
Shortly after this the news was reported on the Venus News Network. The news left the Popmartians squealing with laughter. "Oh, I can’t believe it", said one. "Can you believe that? They planned—uh, tried to plan—a UFO attack at a party! They put away six bottles of vodka! I’m calling my cousin and telling him to go tell those stupid Saturnians that they’ve blown it again."
The Popmartian relayed the news to his cousin, who relayed several other Wirelings. They contacted the Jupiterian UFO Force and got the news that the Jupiterians were off against the Saturnians with their de-activators. Shortly after midnight, a defiant Wireling walked into the main offices of the Ministry of Culture, where he encountered the drunk Saturnians. "Listen, you idiots. Who’s the guy with the Interplanetary Cellular turned on? Did you know that every bit of your conversation at this party got relayed to Jupiter? Now they know that you Saturnians are even more stupid when you’re drunk. The Jupiterian UFO’s have your UFO’s cornered. They’ll de-activate if you don’t"
"Oh, no"! screamed the Minister of Culture. "The idiot! OK, who was using my Interplanetary?" He opened the top drawer of the desk in the Communications Department, where the party was being held. In the drawer was his Interplanetary Cellular, which he’d forgotten to turn off after he’d contacted the Saturnian UFO Force. "Uh……can you say screw-up?" he asked. Just then the phone rang again. It was the Prime Minister, demanding his immediate resignation.
The Neptunians had been imprisoned in two of the Saturnian UFO’s. The PA system on the UFO’s carried a welcome message. "Hey, you guys are free! We’re your friends from Jupiter, and we’ve got these UFO’s cornered. We’ll be transferring you to one of our UFO’s, and we’ll take you home tonight. We found out about the plot against you when the stupid Saturnians got drunk and left their Interplanetary Cellular telephone in the Wireland Ministry of Culture on. We’ve notified Saturn that we are going to take you home, and they’ve given us all of your U2 stuff."
What had started as a celebration for the Saturnians had turned out to be the UFO Nightmare Counter-Attack. Once again, they’d proven that stupidity and brute force just don’t pay.