SEND THIS EARTHLING TO SATURN
So here I was, scrambling up the street to an Interplanetary meeting of the Peace and Friendship Committee, a committee originally founded by representatives of the Interplanetary Chamber of Political Disputes, when my Interplanetary Cellular rang. I was annoyed. I didn’t really have time for a conversation, but I answered it anyway. It was the Commander of the Neptunian UFO Unit.
“What is it?” I asked somewhat impatiently.
“We have an emergency here”, he said.
“And what might that be?”
“We’ve gotten a complaint from the Zooropa Club about an Earthling who’s telling U2 fans they’re fools to still be U2 fans. She used to be one herself, I have even heard that she was friends with the band. She says they’ve sold out and stuff. She’s driving them crazy. They’ve tried to start a listening party three times and she won’t stop talking a split second. Would you ask the Jupiterians on the Committee if they can ask one of their UFO’s to transport this Earthling to Saturn, where she’ll no doubt be happier anyway since U2 is banned there?”
“Oh, and Jupiter is neutral in the Interplanetary Chamber of Political Disputes”, I said. “You guys used to be but you signed a deal with Uranus, which really pissed off the Saturnians. Your UFO’s aren’t as safe around Saturn as they used to be.”
“That’s right” he said. “And we want this crazy Earthling out of here, as soon as possible.”
“There’s just one question. Won’t this Earthling have to agree to leave the Planet before it’ll be legal to put her on someone else’s UFO?”
“Yes”, he said. “That’s a pain in the ass. That’s something else we’re having trouble with, because she doesn’t even want to leave the club, let alone the Planet”.
“Damn”, I said. “I’ll bring the matter up with them”.
I got to the
meeting, which had already started. “I’m sorry I’m late but I got a phone call
from the Commander of the Neptunian UFO Force about an Earthling who’s ruining
everyone’s evening at the Zooropa Club on
“Damn, I’m tired of hearing that”, said one of the Jupiterians. “So they’re not perfect. From some of the things I’ve heard you’d think they’d committed infanticide. It’s insanity.”
“There’s a small problem”, I said. “She doesn’t want to leave the club, let alone the Planet. So it won’t be legal to put her on the UFO without getting busted for kidnapping”.
“Oh, I know what we can do about that”, said the Jupiterian. “Let’s sneak some truth serum into her drink. Then she’ll have to admit that she used to work on Saturn for a government project of theirs that later got shut down because even Saturnians complained about it. That’ll rouse the place, they’ll start screaming bloody murder and she’ll have to leave or be screamed at all night”.
“Great!” I said. “The next time she orders another drink they’ll just give her a drink with truth serum in it. Oh, won’t this be something else!”
I called up the Commander of the
Neptunian UFO Force. “We’ve come up with a solution”, I said. “The next time
she orders a drink, make sure someone gives her a drink with truth serum in it.
She’ll blurt about the fact that she did this fiendishly unpopular thing on
Saturn. They’ll scream about anyone who ever used to work for the Saturnian
government in no time after it takes effect. Then they’ll scream at her so
much, because Saturnians have been unpopular on
“Excellent”, said the Commander. “I’ll call you with the happy successful story soon”.
“Whew!” I said. “Why don’t we have some fun and crank up ‘Atomic Bomb’ while we wait for me to get the phone call back?”
“Suits the hell out of me”, said one of the Jupiterian Committee members.
Fifteen minutes later my Interplanetary Cellular rang. I picked it up. “I’m telling you, after the truth serum hit she not only spilled the beans about the government project, she admitted that she actually wanted to go back to the place! Do you know how angry that kind of thing makes Neptunians? We actually offered her a ride back there and she accepted. Of course there’s no wonder what will happen when she wakes up on Saturn, but then it will be too late. So everyone’s happy, I guess.”
“A toast to our favorite band, everyone”, I said. “Is this a great night for us, or what? That pest is gone!”
Story by Patricia M. Hefner