WIRELAND’S DEMISE—OR IS IT?
Courtesy of Not Necessarily the News
The wind blew, and the snow fell. The sky was overcast. The parking lot at Mirrorball Popmart was empty. Two days earlier, the megastore had bustled with customers eager to check out the latest in CD and DVD technology. This bustling came to an abrupt halt when two aliens from Saturn entered the building. "Get out of here, all of you crummy Earthlings. We’re the Saturnian UFO Force. That’s right, all twelve of our UFO’s and all seventy of our crews are here. You can kiss this place goodbye. We’ve got it all now".
"How in the hell did they get past the Venus Defense Squad?" one Wireling asked another. "You know, they’re the ones with those lethal UFO de-activators."
"I have no idea", said the other Wireling. "I thought we had this threat taken care of. But it’s too late to speculate. They’re here and we’d better get the hell out of here. There’s no telling what kind of lethal stuff they’ve got inside those huge UFO’s. We’re toast."
The Wirelings ran out of the store and jumped into their cars. They found Saturnian authorities standing around the parking lot, directing traffic. "Get out of here right now" ordered one Saturnian. "You’re going to have to leave this place. Wireland doesn’t exist any more. You’ll have to cross that great big bridge and look for another country to take you".
Gloom settled over Wireland as the inhabitants packed their bags and put them in their cars. They had no choice but to head for hostile Chart Toppersland. "This is definitely my idea of Hell", complained one Wireling who spoke with Not Necessarily the News when we visited their Celebration Parkway apartment clubhouse. "But, you know, it’s our damn fault. The Venusians went back to Venus because we thought everything was OK. But it wasn’t. We didn’t stop the squabbling, the news got to Saturn, and presto, the Saturnians rushed all twelve of their UFO’s here. We fiddled while Rome burned. Now everything’s gone. They’ve even made our cops leave! They’ve loaded everything from the ZooTV Bank into two of those UFO’s. They’ve got the lemons; they’ve got everything from Mirrorball PopMart. I’m going to hate Chart Topperland, but what can we do? Nothing".
"Hey, you’re wrong", said another Wireling who entered the room with an Interplanetary Cellular Telephone. "They didn’t get this!" he said, gleefully holding up his phone like a trophy. "I had it locked up in a metallic case under the seat of my car. I’ve got the Venus Extraterrestrial Police on the line right now. They’ve called the owners of the Venusian UFO’s. OK, here’s the plan…. Commander, could you tell us exactly what we’re supposed to do?" He held up the phone so that all in the room could listen.
"Look, you guys are going to have to go to Chart Toppersland, "said the Commander. "You’ll have to trick the Saturnians into thinking that they’ve actually acquired Wireland. But it won’t be true. As soon as some of our people walk into Mirrorball PopMart, they’ll be holding their UFO disabling kits. You know, we’re glad to help, but you guys fight with each other way too much. It makes my job harder, that’s for sure".
"I know", the Wireling answered. "We’re not stupid people, but we’re capable of doing the dumbest things. I guess we were terribly short-sighted this time. We just didn’t think it’d happen to us, but that’s life. When you get too arrogant, that’s when you turn into toast. We thought we could fight with each forever and a day and not pay the consequences. How stupid can you get?"
"OK", said the ever-patient Commander, "I’ll call you on your cellular and let you know when we’ve gotten the Saturnians. Then you guys can return to your homes. We’ll fix this mess".
The contrite Wirelings finished their packing and got into the cars. They crossed the bridge into Chart Topperland in droves. The natives of Chart Topperland were none too pleased to see a massive exodus of Wirelings entering their country. "We’re sorry about this, but we screwed ourselves", admitted one Wireling in an interview with Chart Topperland News. "We just fought and fought and didn’t pay enough attention to the Saturnian threat. We should have united against the Saturnians but we didn’t. Now we’re a bunch of refugees."
For two days and two nights, the Wirelings patiently sat in their cars waiting for the call from Venus. Meanwhile, the Venusians landed in embattled Wireland. They left their UFO’s in Mirrorball PopMart’s parking lot, and, clutching their UFO de-activators, walked into the store. The Saturnians were finishing off their job, and had almost cleaned out the store. "This stuff is ours—all ours!" exulted one Saturnian. "Imagine all the money we’ll make from this back home!"
"No, you won’t" said a Venusian who walked up behind the gleeful Saturnian. "Can you say "de-activator"? We’ve got ours here, and if you don’t get the hell out of here fast, you’ll land in the Venusian Prison For Malicious Aliens. Get out, get in your UFO’s and leave, or we’ll destroy your UFO’s. We’re ready to go."
"Oh, no!" screamed the Saturnian. "How’d you know about this? We took all of their phones away from them."
"One of the Wirelings smuggled his Interplanetary Cellular in a case in his car", said the Venusian. "Tough luck, you jerk. Now get out of here. You’ll have to give us all of the merchandise, of course. Without it we’ll de-activate your UFO’s."
The Venusians rounded up the Saturnians engaged in theft and forced them to return all of their acquisitions. Then the Saturnians got into their UFO’s, as empty-handed as they had been when they’d landed. The message was then relayed to the exiled Wirelings. "You guys can go home now," said the Commander of the Venus Extraterrestrial Police. "The Saturnians are gone. The stores, the park, the streets, and yes, the bank, are fine. We made sure they didn’t get a damn thing on their UFO’s. We really caught them off guard."
The joyful Wirelings crossed the bridge back into their native land, and found their way to their homes. They were just as they had left them. Not Necessarily the News spoke with the owner of the Interplanetary Cellular Phone. "We’re so relieved and happy", said the Wireling. "It’s great to be home. You know, we’ve got some serious work to do. We’ve got to stop these disputes, or we’re never going to be really safe".
We at Not Necessarily the News urge all Wirelings to implement the peace treaty signed after the UFO threat from Uranus in October. Remember, if this happens again, you might not be lucky enough to have one of those telephones, and no one will be able to help you. You’ll be toast for life.